When tragedy strikes, when someone passes suddenly, I have a sickening feeling in the pit in my stomach. It is a cry within me of - "Who's next??? What next??? Will it G-d forbid be me?!?"
I wonder if you can relate to this. Something tells me that perhaps you can.
What if that was my brother?
My husband?
My son?
Will I too, G-d Forbid, get that dreaded phone call one day...?
And as much as my heart cries for the family who is suffering most, that self-preserving voice within me is frantic with fear... fear of some tragedy, G-d Forbid - striking even closer to home...
On Tuesday afternoon, the 7th of Shevat, I joined a conference call with some friends of mine from my childhood. We had started a weekly conference Torah-Call in honor of three fathers and one brother (of my classmates) who had passed away - way too young - over the last decade. As I got off the call, I couldn't help but feel heavy. We are too young to have FOUR out of twelve of our graduating class missing a family member!
And then I had a thought. "Why do I deserve to have all of my immediate family members alive?" Although I tried to push the thought out of my mind, it lingered for a bit.
The following morning, on the 8th of Shevat, my brother Rabbi Ariel Rav-Noy passed away suddenly.
Of course I will not take blame for what happened…
(Although it is a natural reaction to take blame. We are all bombarded with feelings of guilt. "I could have", "I should have", "if only"... Perhaps we do that as a way of gaining control over an out-of-control situation? Perhaps we think if we can take blame, we can also change the past or safeguard the future? But Hashem runs this world, and this was all His doing...)
However, this experience sharply reminded me of the most powerful teaching I have ever learned from the Lubavitcher Rebbe.
"Va'yirah Moshe" - Moses was afraid - we are told in the beginning of Exodus. It is unusual for us to hear about emotions in the Torah. Delving into those verses, it becomes clear that it was the fear of Moses that caused what happened in the next verse - the actualization of that fear. Moses was afraid that the merciless King Paroah would find out that he murdered an Egyptian. And indeed, Paroah heard, and Moses was in life-threatening danger.
Our thoughts are POWERFUL - super, super powerful!
We under-estimate how powerful and how potent each and every thought of ours is.
Late at night, when it is quiet, I cry. I feel terror at the thought of tragic loss.
And now I can't help but wonder who out there shares my fear...
How many hundreds and thousands out there are also afraid, when alone with their thoughts...
I have decided to take upon myself a meditation. A meditation to set the tone for my day - right at the end of the daily morning prayers.
This magical concluding prayer begins with the words: "Al tirah" - "do not fear". We recite the words - and I meditate on it - do not fear sudden terror! Do not fear tragedy! Do not fear illness, pain and suffering!
The next verse takes me higher... “Utzu eytzav vesufar…” - "Conspire a plot, but it will not materialize, for G-d is with us.” Even when negativity is brewing! Even when I have REASON to believe that negativity may befall us G-d forbid, for it is starting to formulate... G-d is with me… and I trust in Him, He can create a ‘happy ending’.
But the third rung of this meditation takes the most effort by far. "Ve'ad ziknah"- “To your old age I am with you… I have made you, and I will carry you…”, says G-d. Old age? Everyone will experience that at SOME point, no? How can I NOT fear old age, and all the challenges that come along with it? Isn't that just a part of the natural order of things? Isn't that just expected?
Yet here are the words that I learned, that have been life-changing, and that I hope to meditate on until the coming of Moshiach and beyond. "Ani asisi"- G-d has created me!!! G-d has created the nature of old age. The nature of life-not-being-so-perfect. He created the reality of "no gain without pain". And JUST as easily as He created it, He can change it!
A Jew is NOT SUBJECT to the laws of nature!
And a Jew is meant to believe, to trust, that only good will come his way! Always! And Forevermore!
Even negative occurrences that are bound to unfold at some point, don't have to!
The same G-d who created those realities can switch them over in a moment.
Really?? "But why do I deserve to have all of my immediate family members alive?" - that voice from that Tuesday afternoon comes back to me... But my Rebbe teaches me that those words must not be allowed into my conscious thoughts. They may knock on my door as long as they would like. But I don't let them in. Like Moses whom we are told about had a fear that materialized - we learn that as Jews, we are to welcome only the most positive of thoughts.
But why do I deserve to have all the goodness and blessings I have in my life??? Why do I deserve to come home to a loving husband? I truly, truly do NOT feel deserving!!
But it is not about who deserves and who does not deserve. It is about a Kind, Loving, and Almighty G-d who created this universe with a Master-plan. In His Master-plan, he asked us all to think positive. He asked us to trust that He will take care of us.
So why do I believe that all will be well? Why do I believe that our loved ones will live?
Not because I deserve it. But because Hashem wants me to. It enhances my relationship with Him when I trust. The trust itself earns me the results I hope and dream for. The trust materializes the goodness (just as fear can G-d forbid do the opposite).
It's SO HARD to believe, though! Especially when I can list you people who believed and trusted their guts out, and did NOT experience the results they so hoped for.
Yet I do believe – and I do trust - simply because Hashem said I should.
I believe that we can live together with our loved ones, forever, until the final Redemption and beyond.
Do I believe my brother can come back to life?
Oh boy, now THAT'S a tough one! I saw the burial with my own eyes. The practicalities of that are way too complicated for me to imagine.
Yet I believe - because "we are believers, sons of believers". This belief is one of the 13 Tenets of our Faith. I am a Jew and Hashem wants me to welcome this belief into my every breath.
It happens to be a pretty incredible thing to believe, anyhow - don't you think?
These are some of the things that I tell my fears. And sometimes I sing to my fears! I composed a tune and wrote words with this message, so that if needed, I can sing my fears away…
Below are the words to my song. In the near future I will be posting a recording of it with the original tune.
Trust in Hashem
Oh I’m feeling so alone here,
How can I know how all will unfold
“Think good it will be good”
“Just be strong” is what I’m told
I struggle to believe it
When things just seem to come and go
I reach far deep within me
Find the courage to trust the One in Control…
Chorus:
Vehaboteach baHashem chesed oh chesed yesovevenu
Trust in Hashem, kindness will surround you.
Now I see goodness unfolding
When I trust in His sweet blessings
Time after time He comes through for me
Making my dreams a reality
Oh, I see a world overflowing
With happy tears and harmony
and now we are all healing
And the struggle is gone, forevermore….
Chorus
The harder I try to be positive
The harder He tries to make it easy to live.
The more I believe He'll be holding me tight
The more that He’s going to prove me right…