Racheli's Thoughts - Chabad of Oxnard

I'm Not Perfect

Thursday, May 28, 2015 - 3:35 PM

I don’t like being judged. I don’t like being criticized.

I have always thought of myself as somewhat of a perfectionist. I was hard on myself, and wanted things done ‘just right’. As time went on, I began to realize that just about everyone around me is a ‘perfectionist’ in their own unique way. Some with achieving perfect handwriting, perfect parenting, perfect relationships, or perfectly clean homes. Who doesn’t want perfection?

That is because Hashem created us that way! He created us “betzalmo” - “in His Image” – which is perfect! And He gave us a very perfect driving force within – our G-dly soul. So we will forever feel agitated – until we reach perfection, until that perfect space within us is nourished. And we will forever feel uncomfortable in an imperfect world – for deep within, we know it wasn’t meant to be this way forever.

When I used to whine to my mother as a child, “it’s not fair!!” She’d respond with a smile, “Yup, life’s not fair!” I remember clearly how much that concept bothered me. I think children know in their gut that an unfair world is not a reality that will exist forever.

So if I have an unrealistic wish to be perfect, it makes sense that it hurts when someone points out that I am not… It bugs me to be reminded that I am human! That I am not perfect.

It’s a funny thing, because on the one hand – G-d wants us to do incredibly huge things – like Him! He wants us to be G-dly! To spread light! To achieve great heights! Yet He made us human… and humans make mistakes… So as great as He wants us to be, He also wants us to remember how small we really are in His presence…

When people give constructive criticism with loads of love, respect, and with the full intention of helping me grow – I embrace it. It still is not easy to swallow – but I do appreciate the opportunity for growth.

“Cherish criticism, for it will place you on the true heights”, said Rabbi Sholom Dov Ber of Lubavitch.

Yet I have seen that criticism that comes without respect, reproof that is void of love and concern… can really hurt. My instinctive reaction? To judge right back…! “Who says you’re so perfect??? Who gives you the right to correct me?” I throw a tantrum in my mind.

My brain takes me on a trip, jumping between two types of feelings. From feeling painfully guilty for the actual mistake I had made that was just pointed out. To extreme irritation at the person pointing out my mistake.

Until Moshiach comes - “life is not perfect” - and people will say things the way they do, sometimes lacking tact and feeling.

Yet in truth – G-d has sent those harsh words my way for a reason: for my good.

Perhaps G-d is simply trying to remind me that I have lots yet to achieve. If arrogance is the most un-G-dly character trait, then a dose of humility is a priceless opportunity to welcome G-d in. My mistakes have been pointed out, to perhaps remind me that I am NOT PERFECT and I have a lifetime to work towards perfection. G-d’s greatness is infinite – so I really have forever and ever to unite with His perfection. G-d is protecting me from arrogance that may come from getting no criticism at all.

I can be thankful to all those who have pointed out my mistakes, for they keep me on my toes and remind me that there is more work to do. They remind me how small I really am. They help me stay motivated to strive higher, and deepen my relationship with Hashem and with others.

So to all those who have felt judged or criticized by me in the past – I am truly sorry for any pain I have caused you.

And for all those who have pointed out my mistakes – thank you for the reminder that I have more work to do.

Am I perfect? Certainly not! None of us are – and there’s no need to judge each other for that. G-d wants us to strive for perfection and for a perfect world - so let’s support each other with this seemingly impossible task.

We will never be bored of growing! We are taught that when Moshiach comes, we will go “mechayil el choyil” – from strength to strength. During that time there will always be new opportunities for growth, exciting content to learn, thrilling heights to reach, and refreshing goals to achieve.

I look forward to a time when we can celebrate each other’s accomplishments and support each other’s growth – with mutual respect and good-old teamwork.

Airplane Mode

Sunday, May 17, 2015 - 4:38 AM

Last week I put my phone on Airplane Mode for 48 hours. It was NOT easy. I just needed to get away. True, I warned all parties who needed to know that in case of emergency, they can either call 911, or my good-sport of a husband Rabbi Dov…

Yet knowing that I was missing text messages, notifications, and emails at every moment and I wasn’t available to respond… was quite a challenge! True, I turn off my phone every Shabbos… but this was different. This was something I was choosing to do on a typical Wednesday and Thursday.

Yet suddenly I noticed opportunities opening up that I would have never dreamt of! Opportunities to reflect, to feel inspired, to truly relax, and to bond with loved ones in a meaningful way.

It almost felt like Moshiach-times!

I think about the clear directive that our Rebbe gave us – to begin to create a "bubble" of Redemption around us as a preparation for the real-deal. It is something I struggle with, and find myself searching for ways to fulfill it - practically.

Since I was a child, I was taught that when Moshiach comes, we will travel to the Holy Lang on clouds. Perhaps it was the prophet’s allusion to airplane travel..?! Will we all take chartered flights to Israel when Moshiach comes…?

There’s nothing like lifting off, (putting that phone away!), and seeing the ground, miles and miles below.

I think I am going to implement a new way to create that “Redemption-bubble”. Perhaps I can give myself designated times that I literally put that phone on airplane mode - forcing myself to focus on the spiritual, and on those who I love and who are right at my side.

When I put my phone on airplane-mode, I can visualize what it will feel like to be lifted off of my feet, and away from the current stresses and reality called exile – off to magical heights, and back home to the Holy Land.

I can start to warm up for that exciting journey right now.

Okay, phone off.

Try Dov if you need something :-)

"Kick Me!"

Sunday, May 17, 2015 - 4:13 AM

“Can you imagine wearing a “kick me” sign on your back, and not being able to take it off?” That was one of the many moving lines that Tikvah Juni shared at last night’s Friendship Circle Garden Party that my brother and sister-in-law hosted.

Tikvah is a woman with Down’s Syndrome. She was flown out to speak to all of us – friends, supporters and volunteers at the Friendship Circle in Los Angeles. Her story moved us all to tears, and climaxed with a long and thunderous standing ovation.

She spoke about what it feels like to be different. About the pain and hurt she experienced as a child. She reflected on the joy she had when she was once invited to a slumber-party by the “cool girls”. She didn’t think twice when she was told that it would cost her money to attend the party. She asked us all to stop and imagine the pain and hurt she felt when she later found out that she was the only girl who was asked to pay…

With a huge smile, she shared: “Being socially awkward, being in a wheelchair, being different – that’s HARD! Being friendly? That’s EASY!” That got us all really thinking. It is often hard to be friendly to people that are different. But to think about how much harder their life is…!

And that’s when she shared what it feels like to wear a label “different” and not be able to take it off. To wear a metaphorical sign that reads “kick me!” and not be able to rid yourself of it.

We have an incredible member of our Oxnard community with special needs. He is truly loved and cherished by all. He brings joy and laughter with his random comments that come from left field at any moment. See, when it comes to people with outright special needs – in a way it might not be so hard to be warm and kind.

But Tikvah mentioned people who are simply socially awkward. How they didn’t choose to be like that.

I never really thought about it that way. In every social circle there are those that simply don’t “fit in” for whatever reason. But it’s not their fault!

Living with Moshiach’s imminent arrival in mind, I hope to take steps towards true inclusion. Including everyone into the community and making room in my heart for every type of person.

The ultimate “inclusion” awaits us! A world where everyone truly fits in! Where every single person is valued and treasured for who they are. Forget about “kick me!” I think we’ll be saying “pinch me!” when we see the world the way it will appear during that special time…

Rabbi Dov and I at the Friendship Circle Garden Party. Friendship Circle of Los Angeles, is directed by my brother Rabbi Michy and his wife Miriam Rav-Noy.

Pause

Sunday, May 17, 2015 - 1:21 AM

I often find it very hard to “pause”. It’s just too hard to STOP and reflect, laugh, smile, or to connect with those who are physically around me.

(Being honest here - connecting with people across the world through “Whatsapp”, for example, is so much easier!)

I also often think about how just about every mistake I have ever made in my life, big or small, could have been prevented had I ‘paused’. Had I taken a moment to think things through, get advice, and reflect, before allowing my words to go out, my action to be done, or before hitting send on that e-mail.

Last Monday, I paused – big time. An 11-year-old beautiful girl in the Chabad community passed away after fighting illness for many, many months. Chaya Spalter from Los Angeles had been in my daughter’s bunk in overnight camp this year. I paused.

At the funeral, I listened to her grandfather speak. Rabbi Ezra Schochet – the Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshiva Ohr Elchanan Chabad - spoke from his heart. I could not believe the words I was hearing.

Rabbi Schochet asked us all to remain strong with our faith and trust in G-d, and continue to serve Him with joy. A tragedy like this can bring up a lot of questions. He did not want those questions to get in our way. He explained to us that any despair could cause pain to the soul of his granddaughter. A joyful and determined girl, she deserves for us to have more faith, not less!

He then spoke about how dedicated her parents were to her throughout her illness. Rabbi Mendy and Hadassa Spalter supported their Chaya day and night. He said “I’m sure every parent in this room would do the same…” But then he added – let us be dedicated parents without illness...

His words touched my heart. In his moment of pain – he gave us all clear guidance on how to move forward.

I’ve been thinking about what mitzvah I can take upon myself in Chaya’s honor. I want it to be in this area of bringing joy to my life, and to the life of my children. Joy filled with faith and trust in Hashem.

Today I was driving my children to school, hoping to make it on time to a staff meeting. My five-year-old realized she forgot something “important” at home and began to cry, scream and tantrum about it. There was no way I could turn back now. She forgot it – that’s life! In the past I would likely have let her cry it out until we got to school, knowing that she has the full choice of calming herself down if she chooses. “She’s being irrational”, I’d say to myself. “She’ll know better next time, and she’ll learn that a tantrum accomplishes nothing other than a self-inflicted headache.”

But today I paused.

I thought about the words I heard at that funeral. I pulled over to the side of the road and parked the car. I whispered to myself, “Le’iluy nishmas Chaya Mushka bas Menachem Mendel” (Let this be in the honor of Chaya Spalter). I wordlessly unbuckled my daughter and gave her a hug as she melted into me and slowly calmed down. All she really needed was that hug. Time paused at the side of the road at that moment.

I got back in the driver’s seat – and I made it on time for the staff meeting after all. How long was that pause? 30 seconds? Maybe 60 seconds?

I think I know what I personally want to do in Chaya’s honor. And I pray that I can keep to it until Moshiach comes and beyond. I am going to search for daily opportunities to pause and give the time to myself and those around me in order to add in smiles, laughter, faith and trust. I am going to “invest” in more happy moments by pausing and giving time to others.

I will hold on to the vision of Moshiach coming, of Chaya’s reunion with her family, and of a magical “bunk reunion” – where I see Chaya, her friends, and my daughter partying away, in good-old Chaya style.

And then joy, faith and trust will come easy for us all.

Chaya Spalter.jpg