“NO! It’s NOT TRUE!”
That was all I could say and think for the first five minutes after my husband, Rabbi Dov Muchnik, broke the horrific news that my brother Ariel had suddenly passed away.
Dov gently and lovingly explained to me that we need to go down to L.A., the funeral will be tomorrow, and I will need to sit shivah.
And I kept repeating those words. It’s not true. It’s not true. He did NOT die. I don’t believe you, Dov. You’re making a huge mistake.
Dov was overwhelmed with his own emotion. He had known Ariel even before he knew me! Dov and Ariel were buddies in yeshivah, they share the same birthday and often had their birthday farbrengens together. Ariel was the one who talked me into dating Dov, telling me – in his almost prophetic way – that he believes we are soul-mates.
Yet here stands Dov, crying bitterly, and sharing the most terrible news with me in the most sensitive way possible.
You know, I hope it's okay I say this - I think G-d Himself should learn a lesson or two from Dov! About taking the perspective of His loved ones into consideration... I'm sorry to say this to you Hashem, I just know You can do better...
It’s time to tell our children that they have lost their uncle Ariel. I approach Moti, who is on the computer, in class in his Shluchim Online School. His rebbi is showing the class a video of the Rebbe. I see the subtitles: “When a tzaddik passes away, his soul is more present in the world than in his lifetime...”
Ariel - you were a tzaddik! I always knew that! You had a soul that almost didn’t belong down here in the first place. And I had the merit of having you as my brother!
But NO - this CANNOT BE TRUE!
Ariel - you have an incredibly dedicated wife, Miriam, and your beautiful children, Mendy, Chanie, Levi, Sheina Mushka, Sara’le, Hindy and Avreme’le, who need you BADLY.
It’s just not true.
It can’t be.
We drive down and come to Ariel and Miriam’s home. Ariel’s holy body was removed less than an hour ago.
In the backyard I see Chanie. She is nine years old. She’s sitting on the grass outside with her mother. Chanie had the sweetest relationship with Ariel—I’ve never seen such closeness between a father and daughter. She’s staring straight ahead, with big beautiful eyes that speak volumes...
My father comes out.
Here is a soldier—the strongest man I know—yet his spirit is broken today.
Here is a man who lost his father when he was two years old.
His brother to leukemia.
His younger brother was killed while serving in the IDF.
His mother (an Auschwitz survivor) he lost to a car accident.
And just a few months ago he lost his step-father.
That’s all of his immediate family—lost tragically.
And now his son.
NO!!!
These things can’t happen.
I will never forget the scene that followed.
My father bends over and gives Chanie a big hug. He cries. My father doesn’t cry! He speaks to her so lovingly, my heart breaks. He tells her, “I am sad, you are sad. We are all sad.” And he lets that emotion sink in.
Then he continues softly, “But you want to hear something interesting? I am actually really hungry right now! I didn’t eat yet today! And even though I’m so sad, I’m going to eat now... and even though you are sad, Hashem will make you strong, and you will also do what you need to do. You will go back to school, and be strong. You are very brave and very strong, Chanie…”
My heart is breaking. From where does he get the strength?
I need to hear his loving words just as much as Chanie. Those words will stay with me forever. Hashem wants us to be strong. Despite the madness.
I learned that a neshamah already knows five days before its passing that the time is approaching.
Three days before, Ariel was shmoozing with a good family friend, Rabbi Nachman Kreiman, who tragically lost children of his own. He was probing, asking him lots of questions, in his “Talmudic” style. “So, what is it like to lose a son? What is the pain like for the father? For the siblings? Is it worse for the parents than the siblings?”
Not surprising, that his soul felt what was coming. And not surprising that he was subconsciously feeling so bad for the pain that my Abba, Ima, and all of us would have to go through.
During the shivah, my mother and I sat and went through Ariel’s writings from when he was younger. Interesting that my mother kept all of his, and none of ours.
We laughed and cried.
Then I went through all of his recent writings. Just a few weeks ago, on January 4, he asks his fellow Shluchim: “Where can I find the letter of the Rebbe that explains ‘haMakom yenachem,’ that we compare [their loss] to Jerusalem, just like Jerusalem is everyone’s aveilus and will be rebuilt, so too the niftar will come back?”
Ariel believed in Moshiach in a way that most people do not. That’s because he lived on a higher plane. Moshiach made total sense to him! This world and its craziness was a novelty and a big frustration to him. Moshiach - Redemption - Peace - love and fairness? NOW we’re talking!
He wanted people, all people, to be respectful and sensitive to one another. Anything less than that bothered him very deeply.
They’re telling me that I need to leave to his funeral in less than an hour.
And my tantrum begins again. “NO, it’s simply NOT TRUE!"
But I think I get it now—it really is not true at all!
Let me tell you why. Because this is just a big bad joke, a terrible nightmare, and we’re going to wake up at any moment!
I learned that when Moshiach comes, we will say “hayinu kecholmim” and we will look back at this reality called galus as one long bad dream.
So perhaps I can just remain where I stand today, not accepting this as a reality! True, we are going to the funeral, followed by shivah. True, we have an indescribable journey ahead of us alongside seven orphans and an incredibly dedicated wife and mother...
But it really is not true because any moment now, literally any second, this reality will be busted. We will see that it was indeed never real to begin with! It is a facade, a process.
The truth is that G-d is good. He truly is. He is just hiding right now.
Ariel taught me how to believe. He taught me that you can live in this world yet believe in the ultimate truth.
What is true? What’s true is that Moshiach is coming and we are about to experience the ultimate Redemption.
You may be reading that and thinking, “Yeah, right, is that really something to believe?”
And I’ll beg you - in Ariel’s honor— can you believe it?
Just for today?
Ariel, in your honor, I will believe in a world where people truly love and respect each other. I will believe in a world where people don’t die, and those who did will come back. I believe my eyes will see the day when you and your daughter Chanie will embrace, as she greets you and dances alongside you as you walk back home to your loving family!
Ariel, in your honor, I will do my best for your wife and kinderlach. I can never replace you, of course...
And Ariel, in your honor, I won’t let go of the dream ... wait... That is not the dream! THIS is a dream!
I will not let go of the truth—the reality—that G-d is good, and He does only good.
How crazy that you passed away on the day that the Torah portion speaks of the song that the Jews sang after the Splitting of the Sea?
I am so excited to dance and sing with our reunion, and with the reunion with our beloved Rebbe who—I know—held you especially close.
I love you, Ariel, and I will see you shortly.
Your sister,
Racheli
