As my husband and I make our way through security at the airport, trying to catch that flight with our children, with suitcases, car-seats, strollers and more – I wonder – why all the disapproving looks?
Are people upset with us for having a lot of kids?
Are they feeling thankful they did not have any?
Are they pleased with their own personal decision to stop having children after having had one or two of their own?
Are they secretly wishing that they had allowed themselves to have more children?
Or perhaps they are simply praying their hearts out that they don’t end up on our flight?!
As Rabbi Dov says - "I wouldn’t mind reminding some people that we were all babies at some point, making a lot of noise and dirtying our diapers as well!"
I have met many people who see child-rearing as a complete burden, and haven’t experienced the rich joys of it all.
My brother Ariel ob"m has left behind seven beautiful children. Many nod their heads with sympathy - what a shame for all of those children to now be left without a father... True - it is heartbreaking! Yet what an incredible gift Ariel has given us! He left us an army! They help us feel as if we truly have not lost him at all! His one-year-old baby Avreme’le looks at me, and I see Ariel's eyes - alive and strong. I know that with his mother Miriam’s love and direction, he will carry on his father's legacy along with his older siblings, G-d willing.
Once, Ariel was running late to give a class, having been delayed by helping his wife with the children. It was a Pizza and Parsha class for Jewish college students. He walked in, looking around at the faces of his students sitting around the table waiting. Without shame or guilt, he announced proudly: "I want to give all of you a blessing that one day, YOU will ALSO run late for the same reason that I am late today! My wife and kids delayed me, and you too, should one day have a wife and children in your life!"
Ariel was so deeply connected to his children. His wife and children definitely came first. He was so proud of how many he had! And I know he wanted to have many more.
Something so touching happened during the week of shiva – the week of traditional mourning. A friend of our family had been struggling for many years with an internal dilemma. It was about bringing a large family into this world. She shared with me often how "un-domestic" of a person she is, how she has no clue how she and her husband would have the emotional, physical, and financial resources to have more children. Yet she knew it was something they wanted to do. Countless tears she shed over this conundrum. "I wish that I wanted more children! I wish I believed and trusted that G-d would give me the strength to birth and raise more!"'. When she visited me during shiva, she shared with me that the moment she had been waiting for had come to her so suddenly and so unexpectedly. A light bulb went off for her, literally while on the way to see me and pay the shiva-call. "I want to have another baby!" She exclaimed. “I'm ready! I know Hashem will help me work out the details. I just want to bring another soul into this word…” Her words and sentiments warmed my heart. I am not surprised that as Ariel's soul ascended, the inspiration to bring another soul into the word descended! From these thoughts also emerged the idea of building a Mikvah in Ariel's honor... bringing more souls into this world in purity.
You see, what this wonderful friend of mine has now realized – is something Ariel knew so naturally. G-d runs the world! The same G-d who gives money, strength, wisdom and (most importantly) patience – has commanded us to procreate! He gave us the commandment, the first mitzvah in the Torah – to “be fruitful and multiply” – to fill the earth with beautiful children and future leaders. We have a lot to learn from the very pure and uncomplicated trust in the G-d “Who opens His arm and sustains all” – a trust that Ariel lived by.
With this trust, many would allow themselves to follow their inner (and sometimes hidden) desire to grow their families… With this trust, some couples would take comfort that G-d knows what’s best for them. That if for whatever emotional or physical reason they are not able to have many children, this too is part of His plan. With this trust, we believe Hashem has a master-plan for every family. With this trust, we welcome Hashem’s blessings.
Three short weeks prior to Ariel’s passing, our family took a very special and memorable trip to Palm Springs. My mother had a sudden desire that all of her children should spend a week together on a family vacation. What a joy to be together! The cousins bonded, the siblings connected, it was a truly special time. Ariel, particularly, enjoyed it very much - especially seeing his children bond with their cousins.
And then our family was hit with this unexpected blow. But Hashem prepared us. We had an invaluable opportunity to strengthen our ties. The best comfort we all find now is being with each other! We have a close-knit family and the love and care among all the cousins, siblings, grandparents – the multi-generational bonding – is what is carrying us through each day now.
Imagine Ariel was my parent's only child....
I don't want to imagine.
"Ma zaroh bechayim af hu bechayim"- just as his children are alive, he too is alive. This thought has become real for me now. We have his beautiful children.
And we will have more, G-d willing, in his honor.
We now have this precious family photo with Ariel thanks to my mother, may she be well. My mother has always nurtured our desire to stick together, as a family.