A Glittery Mess

There was glitter everywhere.  I mean, EVERYWHERE.  All over the table, on the carpet, on my skirt, in my student’s hair, in my baby's ears - it seemed that the glitter was there to stay - forever! 

I was at Lamplighters Jewish Academy, the school that we opened this past summer.  It was my first day back at work since my brother Ariel ob"m passed away.  I was trying to figure out how to get back to my pure and innocent students without bringing in too much of my heaviness.  Do I not say anything? That wouldn’t work – I can see in their eyes how they are looking to see if I am okay.  Do I show my feelings? That would be too intense.  Perhaps there is a teaching moment here - perhaps I can role model how Torah guides us to respond to such tragedy...

Action.  That's what the Torah teaches us.  That's what the Rebbe taught us.  After a major tragedy, the Rebbe once said "behemshech habinyan tinacheimu" - "by your continued building will you be comforted".  We need to build.  We need to grow.  We need to put one foot in front of another. 

So here was my idea.  I would come in with lots of craft supplies and empty tzedaka boxes.  We were going to decorate tzedaka boxes for each student to take home.  Every coin put in would go towards Ariel's Mikvah - a project he began, and we want to finish for him.  Although I had no words for my students, I knew I could lead a craft!  We would follow up with a math lesson to tally up the coins brought in and donate the sum at ArielsMikvah.com.  Action, here we go. 

I'm not a very crafty person.  I’ve never really used glitter before in this capacity  Oh my Goodness - did I learn a thing or two about glitter!  It went everywhere.  But it was amazing!  Glue, glitter, paint, tape, ribbon, and then beautiful tzedaka boxes emerging.  Covered in glitter, I felt so very grateful for how we have been raised and taught to cope with situations like this. 

The glitter scattered everywhere (which seemed impossible to undo), felt so much like my feelings: all over the place and with an undoable and irreversible reality. 

Yet the gold sparkly mess had me reflecting on why gold was created in the first place.  G-d created gold so that the Jewish people will create a home for Him with it.  In the desert we built a holy temple with vessels made of gold.  The first and second Holy Temple stood proudly in Jerusalem – the city of gold.

This is why we are here!  We are here to take all that G-d gave us and make good with it!  Make it sparkle and shine!

G-d gave us lots of ‘things’, including glitter.
Now we're using glitter to honor Ariel.
And to Honor the G-d who gave him to us in the first place. 

I have been told by people who suffered a similar loss things like "you never get over it”,  "I was never the same again", and "the pain stays forever".  I hope and pray that yes - it will stay with me forever.  But not the pain!  Rather, just like this glitter which simply won't come off, I shall forever hold onto the constant awareness on my job of creating a bright and golden future, and a constant excitement and readiness for better times.  Until the final Redemption and beyond - I will hold onto the comfort found in one mitzvah, and another and another.  One speck of glitter and another found - reminding me of each positive action needed. 

So the next day was Rosh Chodesh. I joined my students for the morning prayers.  We got up to Hallel - the thanksgiving prayer recited on all Jewish holidays.  The girls always inspire me when they pray.  Their sweet and innocent voices pierce through the madness of this world.  We got up to "Thank Hashem because He is Good, His Kindness is everlasting" - and I broke down - silently.  I cried my thanks to Hashem, for embracing me during this tough time.  I cried because although it's so crazy, I know He IS GOOD and I know He IS KIND!!  Thank you Hashem for giving me a brother like Ariel! 

And thank you - in advance - for returning him to me when Moshiach comes. 

A moment when time froze for me was upon hearing my six-year-old niece recite the blessing of "baruch dayan haemes" (blessing the True Judge), repeating after my husband word-by-word.  She said it with so much purity and sweetness, it hurt!  She could have been making a blessing on a CANDY with her enthusiasm in those holy words...She (along with all of us) is THANKING Hashem for this??? 

I was reminded of the very short few words that the father of Rabbi Gabi Holtzberg spoke at his funeral.  After the horrific murder of Rabbi Gabi and Rivky Holtzberg in their Chabad House in Mumbai, India, Gabi's father got up and said in Yiddish:  "I want to say thank you to Hashem for blessing me with a son who passed away in sanctification of G-d's name". And that was all.  Anyone who comprehended what he was conveying will remember his words forever.  Did he just thank G-d for taking his son??? Did I hear that right? He did!  Look at your people, Hashem!  They praise You no matter what! 

Thank you Hashem for slapping me? Yes!  Thank you Hashem! I'm not quite sure I know why I’m thanking You, but my soul seems to know...  And I definitely can thank You, Hashem, in advance, for the good days that are coming. 

I have always enjoyed   dreaming and visualizing the future redemption.  I love to imagine the reunions that will take place after Techiyas Hamesim - the Resurrection.  I imagine Moishe Holtzberg embracing his parents.  I imagine our friends, the Kreiman family reuniting.  And (too many) others. 

Why Hashem did this to my sister in law and her children? To my parents? THAT I do not understand!!

But for me?
I am feeling thankful and deeply grateful to be part of this magical reunion that will take place at any moment now. 

Tonight, my five-year-old daughter Menucha caught me off guard.  She asked me, out of the blue, if Ariel will be alive when Moshiach comes.  I said "yes".  She responded and I quote, word for word:   "I could just imagine when Moshiach comes and Ariel will come back home.  I imagine Avreme'le will be on his shoulder and Hindy on his other shoulder and Sheina Mushka on his head and Chanie dancing and jumping around.  And Mendy jumping.  And Levi hugging him on his legs.  Oh, and Sara'le hanging on from his back!! And the mommy will be… like…smiling at everyone…" 

From the mouth of the pure and innocent, straight to His glorious and holy throne…

I hope that I will still be finding specks of glitter on the day that the Holy Temple descends and graces the Temple Mount in my favorite place on earth – Yerushalayim – The City of Gold.