Am I allowed to feel what I’m feeling?
Since the day my brother Ariel passed away, I have been bombarding myself with this question.
I’m “just a sister”! Why is this taking me over? Why am I filled with such heaviness? I’m just a sister! I “should” be thankful to have my husband and children! I “should” be thankful to have my parents!
I know that may sound ridiculous to read, black on white. I know that my friends may read that and yell at me for being so hard on myself…. I know many would try to convince me that OF COURSE I deserve to have all of these feelings – it’s a HUGE deal to lose a brother!
(Wouldn’t it be helpful if we were as compassionate to ourselves as we were to our friends…?)
As time moves on, I think I am spending WAY more energy on arguing with myself about my feelings then actually giving myself permission to feel the feelings.
I am reflecting on how I have often dealt with heavy emotion in the past. And I think I’m not the only one….? Don’t we spend way more energy on being annoyed at ourselves for having a feeling that we’re feeling than actually experiencing the feeling?! (You may have to read that last sentence twice to get what I’m saying!)
So if I’m annoyed at someone I love, I feel insulted. It’s possible that if I allowed myself to just be annoyed, and work out that feeling – I can move on quite gracefully. The problems begin when I start to be upset at myself for being annoyed! Now it’s starting to get complicated! (I suspect that I may have confused a male reader by now… processing emotion in this particular way is something found way more by women, no?)
WHY IS THAT? Why is it so hard for me to feel the feeling I seem to be feeling?
I know that I often feel guilty about being sad because we have been trained that the Chassidic approach is to fill our hearts with constant joy and trust in G-d. Chassidim of old were called “The Frelichers” – the Joyful Ones, for they were known to be overly joyful in their service of G-d. Oh boy, now the guilt over my sad feelings is mounting!
Yet I remember an important Chassidic thought. In Proverbs there is a verse that tells us how to deal with worry, sadness, and negative feelings. “A worry in a man’s heart – yash’chena”. That last word of the verse is the instruction on how we deal with those feelings. The word “yash’chena” can be translated in two ways, according to our Sages, representing two methods in dealing with worries and fears. Method #1: Remove the worry from one’s mind! Just forget about it! Move on! (I know some people who are able to successfully take this route). Method #2: Discuss it with others, talk it over. Chassidic philosophy encourages that while choosing someone to speak it over with, one should be careful to find “others” who are completely united with him for they lovingly empathize with him.
So do I push away negative emotions? Or do I discuss it with myself, with my spouse, with my best friend?
Method #1 rarely works for me. I am so thankful that the same Torah that teaches me to be joyful at all times, also validates that sometimes very non-joyful feelings come. And what am I to do with those? If they don’t go away by pushing them away – then I got Method #2 waiting for me. I talk it over, I write about it, I discuss it with wise and loving people.
In other words – I HAVE PERMISSION TO FEEL WHAT I AM FEELING!! How liberating!! I can feel it, I can experience it, I can talk it over until I flush it out – all for the sake of getting back to serving G-d with joy.
While in exile – I need to allow myself to process my feelings…
In preparation for Redemption – when we will know of only joy.
So yes, I have permission to feel. And yes, if a feeling comes up – it is from G-d. He wants me to process it and move on. I can try to convince myself that I “shouldn’t” feel from today until tomorrow – but it will get me nowhere. If I’m feeling it – I must do something with it, because ignoring doesn’t always work.
All of those voices that bombard me with “Why are you feeling what you are feeling? Just get a hold of yourself and move on!” Well those words are the voice of the very sneaky Evil Inclination – trying to confuse me and make it hard to process an emotion and move gracefully towards joy and trust.
I will work on removing the word “should” from my vocabulary: that voice that tries to squash my emotions with good-old-Jewish-guilt. The Evil Inclination hard at work once again. The wagging finger telling me “you should be happy” will turn into a compassionate voice that whispers gently: “I want to be happy. And I will be happy. With time…”
So I WILL give myself permission to feel what I am feeling.
And in no time, I will embrace that joyful attitude I so crave.
And we all will – with the very uncomplicated and everlasting joy that awaits us…