Where Are You?

Where are you Ariel?

Last night I was going through that never-ending task list, checking off what I accomplished and “bumping” to tomorrow what I didn’t get up to.  A reminder popped up on my calendar.  It read: “Connect with Ariel”.  It was a monthly reminder that I set for myself two or three years ago.  I’m not sure what exactly prompted me to set it up.  It was the realization that life goes by too fast, and Ariel is a brother I want to carve out more time to spend with. 

I’m ashamed to admit how many times I simply deleted that reminder.  Telling myself, “I’m just too busy this time”.

And where are you now, Ariel?

I’m ready to connect!  I have all the time in the world!  My task-list is totally and completely not important anymore.  The endless amount of issues waiting for me to deal with, emails to respond to, text-messages to field… none of it matters anymore.  Now I just want to spend time with you.

But where are you?   Seriously – where’d you go???

They tell me I can talk to you and that you can hear me.  Is that true?  Can you hear me?  Every time I try, I say the opening words and then my heart shuts down making it impossible for me to continue. 

I’m ready to spend time with you, I’m ready to slow down and connect with my brother.  But now I can’t do it in a way that I want to.  I can’t pick up the phone.  We can’t go out to lunch.  And if you had not left us, would I REALLY stop what I was doing today to have a coffee with you?  I’m embarrassed to honestly answer that question.

I am going to work on this.  I am going to try to talk to you.  Is it true that you can hear?  I wonder if you can answer in some way.  I wonder if you can respond.  I would love to hear what you would tell me right now. 

I’m crying as I write this because I miss you.  Yet I feel so bitter and upset with myself that I didn’t spend more time with you while we had you.

I know you’ll come back with the coming of Moshiach.  Yet today I am in this moment.  And at this moment you are not here physically…. yet.  In this moment I don’t know how we can communicate, and I really want to. 

I always thought of myself as someone who can be in tune and believe in higher words, in spiritual realms.  But suddenly I find myself questioning it.  Can you really hear me, Ariel? 

I know that it won’t help me to believe otherwise.  So I will believe it.  I will believe that you are right here – everywhere – and can be a part of my life. 

I won’t erase that reminder from my calendar.  When the words “Connect with Ariel” pop up – I will!  I’m not sure exactly how, but I’m working on it.