Abandoned

I felt so abandoned. 

I was standing at the Ferris Wheel at S. Monica Pier, with my three little ones.  I didn't have my phone on me (I had left it behind as I was trying to really focus on my family).  I somehow got separated from my husband and my other children at the park.  Wandering around with my slow-walking three-year-old in search for them was NOT working.  Twenty long minutes were filled with neck-craning to find him, asking favors from passersby to please allow me the use of their phones, and my little ones anxiously nudging "WHERE IS TATTY???".  And then we were finally re-united.  

I was completely not expecting those twenty minutes to affect me to the core as they did.  I had to escape the scene to allow myself a good cry.  Only then was I able to stop and get in touch with why I was so shaken up.

Two weeks away from Ariel's yartzeit, the emotions associated with it are still in my deepest subconscious thoughts.

It seems that above all of the thoughts and feelings... his yartzeit brings up traumatic feelings on how life can turn over in a moment...

How is it fair that Hashem can suddenly rip a father away from his wife and kids?? How can that happen without a moment's warning?!

That seems to bug me just as much as the actual loss of a brother...

My few short moments of feeling abandoned gave me the harshest insight, maybe just a tiny glimpse, on the monstrous emotions that must be experienced by those mommies who lost their husbands in middle of nowhere... Stranded!  Abandoned!  Left with little ones anxiously asking "WHERE IS TATTY???"

That familiar heart-wrenching pain is back. It is a level of grief that humans shouldn't be allowed to experience.

Where is Hashem? Where is our Rebbe?  We have a promise from our leader that we are leaving this bitter exile.  We have a promise from our Creator for a better world. 

WHERE IS OUR TATTY???

We feel abandoned.  Did He forget about us...?!  What hurts more than anything else is the fleeting thoughts that the promises of reuniting were forgotten G-d forbid...

Where is He???

Tonight I paid a shiva call to someone who lost their elderly mom.  Saying the traditional words of comfort made me feel alone.  How many times have I heard those words? But where is Tatty?

It is so very hard to believe,  but He WILL suddenly appear.   As suddenly as a father turning the corner in a busy amusement park, to reunite with his family. 

Oh how hard it is to trust.  How hard it is to believe. 

But what's my alternative?